Can We Talk About Rutgers?

Posted By Daisy on October 15, 2010

Readers know that a big part of the purpose of this blog is to urge parents to give themselves and others a break — to be a little kinder to each other. The idea is that while we’ve all got different parenting styles, we all have our childrens’ best interests at heart.

Of course, not everything is within our control. Indeed, some forms of “too, too parenting” arise out of losing sight of that fact, and attempting either to manage every potential threat to our child’s wellbeing, or to game every competition in our child’s favor.

But lately it seems that an awful lot of adults are willing to throw up their hands and walk away from responsibility for our youth, claiming that “kids will be kids.” In the wake of the Rutgers tragedy there was much discussion about what form of penalty was reasonable for the young people (no longer children, really) who spread the video that led to a suicide. A remarkable number of people voiced a fear that in seeking measures to stop such tragedies, the backlash might be too great — that our children cannot be held responsible, cannot be expected to understand the consequences of “childish” malicious actions.

We let our children drive cars at age 16. (My suspicion is that we do so for our own convenience rather than any judicious conclusion that 16 is the “right” age to wield a powerful machine, whereas 18 is somehow the “right” age to go to war, and 21 the “right” age to secure the right to consume alcohol.) We also correctly hold our kids responsible for the results of their driving, whether or not they are mature enough to understand the consequences of operating a dangerous vehicle. Negligent driving that results in a death is deemed manslaughter, even if a child driver does not foresee death as a potential outcome of speeding or texting while driving. I see no difference in the Rutgers case. Do I think those young adults acted with the intention of causing a suicide? Of course not. Do I think their negligent and malicious behavior was manslaughter? Yes, I do.

We need to be more active in teaching kindness and respect. While it may be human nature to poke fun at difference in order to boost our own sense of selves, in 2010 we ought to know better than to act on it. And if we do know better, we need to work hard to pass that knowledge on to our kids.

Please view the following moving speech from Joel Burns, and if you are inclined, share it.

Message to Teens