Posted By Daisy on October 22, 2010

Ah, the raging WOHM/SAHM debate.  (Anyone reading this blog knows those acronyms, so I’m not going to bother with setting out the definitions.)   While this is a very difficult and very personal choice, I have a sneaking suspicion that the so-called “mommy wars” over this issue are a bit overblown.  I’ve been in both camps now, and I’ve gotten support each time from women who made different choices.  Let’s pretend it is a war, though, and break down the arguments.

Mommy Should Work in an Office

1. It keeps her sane

The argument goes that mommy needs adult interaction and conversation to avoid going nuts.  If it’s a particularly rewarding career, she’ll get some intellectual stimulation too.

On the other hand, moms at home can find other similarly situated adults with whom to interact, and childrearing is challenging and intellectually rewarding as well.  Plus, there are these things called books (or even blogs) that can keep her from feeling her entire world has been reduced to the confines of the home and the thrill of watching an infant do…not much of anything, for the first few months at least.

2. She sets a good example

This one is interesting, because sometimes I hear it is particularly important for women raising daughters to see that they’ve got options, and sometimes I hear it’s most important for boys to learn to view females as part of the adult working world.  What we never, ever hear is that a dad can set a good example by staying home and raising a family.  Wouldn’t it stand to reason that these are two sides of the same coin?  If so, why are we not promoting the SAHD movement?  And in any event, while it is true that children absorb a great deal from their parents, there are all sorts of other adult women in their lives — aunts, teachers, friends’ moms, and women on (gasp) TV that are making all sorts of different choices in their own lives.  A motivated parent can draw on the world around her to demonstrate whatever she wishes about how women can or should behave.  And an honest parent can even let her child know that it’s freaking HARD to juggle a career outside the home alongside family duties.

3. Her education is not wasted

Ah, the nuclear physicist example.  Some of your attitude on this one is going to be governed by your feelings about the purpose of education.  Some feel we educate to create well-rounded citizens, and some feel we are training for a productive labor force to compete in the global market.   My own view is that education is never a waste.  Just think how AWESOME that lucky child of the nuclear physicist’s homemade science experiments are likely to be.

4. Her child will be more independent and socialized

This argument is strongest when the child is in a daycare environment with other children rather than with a nanny, but the case can be made either way.  Nannies are often of different backgrounds and have different styles of interaction than mom and dad.  Either choice can broaden a kid’s horizons.   On the other hand, if mom chooses to stay at home, I hear there are things called play dates that encourage socialization.  Participating in the daily life of a SAHM mom — interacting with grocery clerks, folding laundry, wiping down the kitchen counter, arguing (politely) with the mechanic — can be an excellent lesson in independence and maturity.

5. It evens the division of labor between the parents

Here is the theory.  If both mom and dad have office jobs, then neither can expect the other to pick up all the slack at home, and so everything becomes nicely 50-50.   Did I mention this was a theory?  Talk to various families and you’ll hear very different perceptions of how the housework and childrearing is divided.  In fact, interrogate both parents in the same dual-income family in two separate rooms and you are likely to see two very different pictures painted.

Mommy Should Stay at Home

1. It makes for better bonding

The bonding business again?  First off, and one more time, where is dad in this great big debate?  Do we care how and if he is bonded to his children?  Second, something like two gazillion studies over the past decade indicate that mothers give more attention to their children on average today than they did in the 50′s.  Guilt is a powerful thing, and when it is heaped upon a working mom, you can bet she is bending over backwards to stay bonded with junior.

2. She can always go back to work when the kids are in school

I’d say that this one is debatable.  Some pull it off, and others find “re-entry” to be quite the uphill battle.

3. She knows who is looking after baby, and how

That’s true.  But a responsible parent probably has a pretty good idea about the nanny or daycare provider he or she has chosen.   Your kid gives you clues.  Plus, there’s always spying if necessary.   The really, really horrible criminal nanny stories that circulate aren’t giving a true picture of the usual situation any more than the stories of moms or dads who abuse their kids.  There will always be statistical outliers for any situation, and those outliers will always be weaponized by people with an agenda.

4. She gets to witness all the good stuff

Hi, dad?  Did you notice that I started walking?  Why is no one yelling at you because you missed the first maybe-it-was-a-step-maybe-it-wasn’t?  There’s no question that staying home with a child gives you a unique and intimate insight into that child’s blossoming personality.  It is really very cool, and you do get to lord it over the less present parent that only you know exactly how much milk needs to go into the cheerios bowl.  By staying home you are also going to have many more opportunities to witness meltdowns and get into shockingly immature piques and even fights with your own offspring.

5. It’s too hard to juggle career and family

That is one of those your-mileage-may-vary statements.  Every human being has different needs, different levels of stamina, different preferences.  You will find that there are a not insubstantial number of women who find the structure of being in the office most of the day much less exhausting than staying at home.

Related posts:

1. Guide to Informed Decision-Making: Breast or Bottle?
2. Guide For Informed Decision-Making: Labor
3. Guide for Informed Decision-Making: Where Does Baby Sleep?
4. Guide to Informed Decision-Making: Daycare or Nanny?
5. Guide For Informed Decision-Making: Circumcision

Categories: Decision Guide
Tags: SAHM, WOHM